the one-handed web surfer

I present the story of a sad one-handed web surfer that exchanged e-mail with me over the Audrey spoof. I have left no details out other than his identity, since "the honest way is always the best"...

From: "XXXX@XXXX.com" <XXXX@prodigy.net>
Subject: audrey quock
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 16:38:14 -0700

your webaddress is listed on about.com as a "audrey quock" reference and then you go on to list a photo of Audrey and you, the plain guy, on the left. Do we need a special browser or is that a loss-leader banner to get people to hook up with SI calendar site? Please explain or inform me... or if you simply want to get people hooked on another site, I would suggest the honest way is always the best, even in an internet crazy economy...if my second guess is incorrect then please, no offense. If you are doing false advertising then...

Thanks,
XXXX

I would have ignored him, but the eloquence of his plea for pictures carried a message for me. The message was this: the Internet is proof that a million monkeys banging on keyboards will never produce the works of Shakespeare. I was also annoyed at being referred to as the "plain guy". You insult me, then ask for N00D G1FS? I replied with a explanation that he ought to have seen that the whole thing was a spoof.

To: XXXX@XXXX.com
Subject: Re: audrey quock
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 20:11:47 -0400 (EDT)

I am not, and have never been, nor most likely never will be, an agent for or employee of Sports Illustrated or its affiliates. Evidently you didn't follow the link on the page to [Ed: deleted link].

Regards,

Ted

His reply was brief:

From: "XXXX@XXXX.com" <XXXX@prodigy.net>
Subject: Re: audrey quock
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 23:38:12 -0700

I did try again and couldn't find the picture of you and Audrey; does it exist? If so, can you please paste it on a message and send it. The link you have goes to CNN/SI calendar. Thanks.

The man had clearly lost his grip on reality and the mouse. I sent him a lone image file by e-mail. It wasn't enough.

From: "XXXX@XXXX.com" <XXXX@prodigy.net>
Subject: Re: audrey quock
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 18:37:31 -0700

Now you've really got my curiosity!! Thanks for following up with me; unfortunately I can't open the gif. file on my browser. Is there another more basic file you can attach it as like j.peg or something? I do appreciate your keeping with me on this.

XXXX

-----Original Message-----
To: XXXX@XXXX.com
Date: Wednesday, July 07, 1999 2:46 PM
Subject: Re: audrey quock

I no longer maintain the full images on-line. Instead, I have sent you a copy of the Audrey image with this e-mail.

By now, he'd ceased to be amusing, and was just a pest. I sent him a link to the Association for the Study of Meats page (long since gone) and hoped that he would get the hint. The ASM lived up to its name: beef, pork, or Spam® - they studied it.

To: XXXX@XXXX.com
Subject: Re: audrey quock
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 13:06:09 -0400 (EDT)

I have no other images available. A friend suggests trying the following site:

http://we.study.meat.net/

and contacting the general manager there. As I am out of town, I can't directly verify the link (I only have e-mail access).

Happy hunting,

Ted

I haven't heard from his since then. Perhaps he was burned by the "Internet crazy economy".